This will probably be the last thing I write here. It needed to be said and I'm sorry I couldn't do it in person or on the phone.

I am sorry for any and all the pain I caused you. I'm sorry for the confusion and my explanations not being efficient enough. I don't know what more to say to try to explain everything, and frankly, I don't want to. What's done is done and it's time to move on. Maybe with time, as we get the chance to mull things over and grow up some more, we'll both better understand.

Things have been tense and yes, I have been afraid. I can't help that that disappoints you, my last image of you is still quite vivid. Mostly, my family just wanted to protect me, to let me move on, to let me be left alone so I could sort things out and think things through.

This hasn't been any easier for me than it has been for you. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. And dealing with the consequences of it have been far from easy. It broke my heart everytime we talked and you asked me why and I had to explain all over again. It was like opening a wound and making it deeper and deeper and deeper. Eventually the pain became too much, and that's why I asked you to please not contact me. Because you were doing the same to yourself, too. And truly, we both needed to heal. At least for a little bit.

And I'm disappointed you think I didn't fight for this relationship--that I simply decided one day to give up. I fought for us for so long. Maybe I didn't do a very good job, but I promise you I did everything I could think of and muster. Why do you think I kept telling you what I needed? Why do you think I didn't break up with you in October? I wanted it to work and I fought the way I knew. I'm sorry if it wasn't enough. When I ended our relationship, I had been fighting for a good month and a half. I didn't have any fight left in me. None of my fighting had done anything except frustrate both of us, leave us both in tears and sleepless, and leave me unhappy. Simply put, I didn't know what else to do. And I didn't have the stamina to do anything any longer. Call it defeat, cowardess, whatever you want. But I certainly did fight.

I have not opened your gift to me. I had told you that it didn't seem right to me to accept a gift. And I know you did it out of love and respect. But, sometimes I wish my thoughts were respected too. I don't know when I will open it because right now, I'm still not ready. And I'm not doing this to hurt you. Please understand that. But your giving my family gifts was not only unexpected, but it hurt me, too. I had asked you not to give me anything, but you did anyway. Please let me explain what that said to me. One, that my thoughts are not important enough for you to consider and respect. Two, that you still thought you had a chance. Three, that you gave us things to try to win us back. After reading your diary, I know that's not how you meant it. But it doesn't change the hurt.

I've been really lonely since I broke up with you. And not in an "I miss you, I want you back kind of way." You were really frustrated, and not happy with me, so you rightly turned to your friends for comfort and support. But I have no idea where I stand with those people now. I've felt like such and outsider and loner at home because I don't know who hates me because of the decision I made and who will still tolerate me.

I still stand by my decision. I was not happy and our relationship was no longer healthy. But I do still care about you. I still want you to succeed and want you to continue to grow with your family. And I do still value your friendship. It's still extremely awkward for me to talk to you. And I know it is for you too. But I still want you to know that. I'm really nervous about talking to you and especially seeing you. So, please know that it's not that I don't care. I'm just trying to adjust. And I didn't mean anything I said here maliciously or vindictively in any way. It was all from my heart, telling it like it is.